[Humming thoughtfully, Vanitas allows his gaze to fall back upon the city below them. For a time, he's silent, until, eventually, he responds fully.]
Because it seems like a truly intimate act, drinking someone's blood. Getting to savor their very being. For you, even more than most, with your ability.
I wanted to remain human, but even I can see the allure of such an arrangement.
[ Gently, he brushes his thumb over his lover's knuckles. ]
I want you to stay true to yourself, Vanitas. I know you want to remain human, and I want that for you, too. Sometimes, though...selfishly, I wish that I could give you the lifespan I have...so I can have more time with you. I would spend centuries by your side.
[That small gesture stirs something within his heart, making it beat all the faster.]
I, too, wish that our lives were more inexplicably intertwined. That my fate would be as yours, to live a good several hundred years, if not thousands. But it's not to be. I'm not even truly human anymore. And I'll get less so as time goes on. ...all I can ask is that you remember me for who I am now, and to let me die as myself.
[ The thought of enduring hundreds of years without Vanitas feels like torture, something so heavy that he can't imagine bearing, but it would be cruel to rob Vanitas of whatever humanity he has left. He has to accept this request, even if it goes against his own wants.
So he nods. ]
I will, Vanitas. I will remember you until the day I join you.
[ When they can finally be together without the constraints of time, without being bound to the world they both live in, one that Noé still sees the beauty in despite how cruel it's been to them both. ]
[It's his one wish anymore, to end his life with what humanity he maintains, and there's none he trusts more to accomplish that for him than Noé. Sighing, he leans heavily back against his lover, hands clutching desperately at him as he lets his eyes close.]
My apologies. I turned this evening into something morose. It seems I can't escape such feelings.
[While hardly the religious sort, he does vaguely hope that perhaps there is an afterlife, a world where they can be together for all eternity. Both as themselves, with nothing keeping them apart.]
[ He shakes his head and squeezes Vanitas' hands again. Yes, his heart hurts, and yes, things turned a little grim. But it's not the end of the world, and he's content to hold his lover closer. ]
It's okay. We wanted alone time, and there's no better place for us to have this talk than here.
[ Where they can think clearly, away from everyone else. ]
I'm still enjoying the evening. I hope you are, too.
[This is why he treasures Noé so much. For not taking offense or holding his melancholy moods against him. Instead allowing him to feel the gamut of emotions and work through them as is needed. He's grateful for the warmth, finding himself shivering lightly.]
That's true, I suppose. I much prefer we talk somewhere like this.
[It helps, knowing no one can overhear them.]
I am. Very much so. Speaking of these matters... while tough, it's reassuring knowing that I can.
[ That's what partners do, right? Support each other even when things aren't looking good. And if Vanitas were to die tomorrow, Noé would want to make sure he's loved and cared for in his final moments. It means a lot to him that they can have a relationship like this. ]
I know you'd do the same for me, too.
[ Even if Noé still barely ever talks about himself. ]
It's greatly appreciated. There are precious few I would confide these feelings in.
[Meaning, there isn't anyone else, really. None, even Jeanne, get to know the depths of his true emotions like Noé does. They're for him and him alone, as his partner and lover. Hence why he grasps his hands so tightly.]
As if you talk about yourself. You keep more secrets than I do.
[ Oh...that face. Noé frowns and shifts a little so he can properly look at Vanitas. He won't even ask if he should talk about it now before he begins. ]
I...moved around a lot, as a child. After being orphaned, an elderly human couple took me in. They raised me for a while, which is why I am who I am today. They taught me how to be kind, and how to judge people by their character and not what they are.
[ Which is why he loves both vampires and humans – the opposite of Vanitas. ]
They passed from old age, and I was kidnapped by some vampires while looking for flowers for their graves, because they thought I was a human. When they learned I wasn't, they auctioned me off. That's when Teacher bought me, and I became his student. That's how I met Domi and Louis, too.
[At least it's not the one he makes sometimes that angers Noé, that look like he loathes everything and everyone. As is, it softens considerably as Noé begins speaking. Some of it he's heard before, but... some of it is new.]
We're alike in that regard... [Never in one place for long, it seems. Few friends due to that.] Honestly, I think it's easy to see where your compassion and understanding comes from. That love of humans.
[Though the rest of what Noé says leaves him frowning deeply.]
...do you ever stop and wonder why your teacher bought you? Whether he thinks of you one of his playthings?
[Because after Moreau, he can't help being suspicious of people's motivations. Curious about why Noé's teacher sent him to check on the Book of Vanitas in the first place. Why the man was manipulating Mikhail with promises of resurrecting Luna.]
[ Few friends due to that, and also because of being controlled...though the latter has never occurred to Noé, which falls in line with his response to Vanitas. ]
Playthings...? No, that's...
[ ...not true, is what he means to say, but the words don't come out. Ever since that night, when it was revealed that Teacher was the one behind Mikhail's manipulation and had set off the entire thing to begin with, without any sort of regard for Noé's safety...
It was troubling, to say the least. He can't even finish his sentence. ]
But...why me? What would he need me to be a plaything for?
[Ah-- Perhaps now was not the time for such talk. But it's too late now, he's gone and put his foot in it. Guilt wells up as he shakes his head.]
...your ability. Your Archiviste power. You can do something no one else can. You trust him completely, and would tell him anything asked, right?
[Pulling away, he turns around to face Noé, placing a gentle hand upon his cheek and unable to help looking upon him with pity. He's so innocent, so trusting, there's no way a sweet soul like him would think to stand up to his "Teacher."]
If his interest is in the Vampire of the Blue Moon, what better way than to have you drink from the source?
Drink from the source. He'd already done it not just with Mikhail, but Vanitas now, too. Does he regret it? Absolutely not, not in Vanitas' case. But...maybe this is what Teacher was banking on all alone, that they'd get to this point where Noé would...
For a moment, he looks stunned. Then, he frowns deeply and places his hand over his partner's. ]
Your secrets are safe with me, Vanitas. I won't tell a single person about your past. Not even him.
[ For as much as he loves Teacher, he won't sell Vanitas out like that. Especially not after that night at the carnival. ]
You are my priority. Not the book, not his mission. You.
[It would be a lie to say he had been completely at ease divulging his past through sharing blood with Noé, that he didn't still have his fears of what might happen if his memories got into the wrong hands. But he's grown to trust Noé enough that it was a risk he was willing to take out of what could only be called love.
Leaning forward, he rests his forehead against his lover's, letting his eyes close.]
....thank you. You don't know how much that means to me.
[Those reassurances are enough to keep his breathing from becoming short, though he does feel the sting of tears threatening his composure.]
Me, huh...? It's been a long time since I meant that much to anyone.
[ Upon seeing Vanitas' eyes close, he does the same and lets his eyes shut. He can tell how much this means to Vanitas through his actions alone; it makes Noé all the more glad that they had this discussion, even if the moment didn't call for it. ]
You mean the world to me. If I have to go against Teacher's will to protect you, then I will. I'll figure out what to tell him if he asks.
[Noé's acceptance of the situation and his offered comfort makes Vanitas sigh happily, wishing for nothing more than the moment to continue on like this. With love and trust in equal measure between the two of them.]
...I-I still find that to be so difficult to believe. [Being loved more than anything by someone. It used to be he wouldn't have been able to stand it. Now, though, he manages to curb his panic into mere stuttering and shivers.] Just.. don't let on what you know. For your sake, as well... Knowing puts you at risk.
[ He's not a good liar, and it's going to be a challenge when Teacher inevitably asks him for what he knows. Now that he's aware of this being a possibility, however, one that he's actually going to entertain, he can prepare himself better for the day, should it arrive. ]
I'll keep you safe, even from someone I considered to be my family.
[ ...such isn't quite the case anymore, these days. ]
[It's something he hates, because he feels he can never quite match up to the care and love that Noé shows him. He knows he's inadequate, emotionally stunted, and callous. Yet still he chases after his lover in the hopes of meeting him part way.]
Yourself, too, idiot. That's what I'm worried about...
[He doesn't want to see anything happen to him, after all. If that man is truly a de Sade, it's likely he has a cruel streak in him.]
[ Does he know that for sure? No. But it's pointless to worry about it right this instant. So instead of positioning himself to argue over it, he instead looks at Vanitas intently and leans in to kiss him softly. There's a part of it that's meant to be a distraction, but for the most part, he just wants to be reassuring. ]
Of course I'm going to worry. You may have endangered yourself because of me.
[His frown morphs into a pout until the kiss reaches him, finally getting him to relax and his shoulder to sag a bit as the tension drains away. He's still fretting, of course, but it's nowhere near as bad as it was minutes ago. Noé's love is always comforting, making him feel secure in the future, however short it may be.]
[ The kiss is short, because Noé has something he'd like to say in response to that. ]
It's not your fault, Vanitas. I didn't want to believe that Teacher could be cruel, even when the signs were in front of me...even so, it's hard to digest. But I will never regret drinking your blood.
[ He holds his lover closer. There isn't much he can do to get Vanitas to stop blaming himself, but my god is he going to try anyway. ]
[The vehemence with which Noé speaks startles Vanitas from his moping, leaving him blinking dumbly at his lover.]
You... don't? Truly? That's-- [Foolishness. Idiocy. Stubborn kindness. Yet he can't bring himself to say any of it.] ...I see...
[Despite everything, he can't help reveling in the contact with Noé, grateful for everything, even his stubborn pushing. It takes that much to deal with him, he knows.]
I suppose that is true. I don't regret it, either. I wouldn't change a thing.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Because it seems like a truly intimate act, drinking someone's blood. Getting to savor their very being. For you, even more than most, with your ability.
I wanted to remain human, but even I can see the allure of such an arrangement.
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[ Gently, he brushes his thumb over his lover's knuckles. ]
I want you to stay true to yourself, Vanitas. I know you want to remain human, and I want that for you, too. Sometimes, though...selfishly, I wish that I could give you the lifespan I have...so I can have more time with you. I would spend centuries by your side.
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[That small gesture stirs something within his heart, making it beat all the faster.]
I, too, wish that our lives were more inexplicably intertwined. That my fate would be as yours, to live a good several hundred years, if not thousands. But it's not to be. I'm not even truly human anymore. And I'll get less so as time goes on. ...all I can ask is that you remember me for who I am now, and to let me die as myself.
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So he nods. ]
I will, Vanitas. I will remember you until the day I join you.
[ When they can finally be together without the constraints of time, without being bound to the world they both live in, one that Noé still sees the beauty in despite how cruel it's been to them both. ]
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My apologies. I turned this evening into something morose. It seems I can't escape such feelings.
[While hardly the religious sort, he does vaguely hope that perhaps there is an afterlife, a world where they can be together for all eternity. Both as themselves, with nothing keeping them apart.]
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It's okay. We wanted alone time, and there's no better place for us to have this talk than here.
[ Where they can think clearly, away from everyone else. ]
I'm still enjoying the evening. I hope you are, too.
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That's true, I suppose. I much prefer we talk somewhere like this.
[It helps, knowing no one can overhear them.]
I am. Very much so. Speaking of these matters... while tough, it's reassuring knowing that I can.
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[ That's what partners do, right? Support each other even when things aren't looking good. And if Vanitas were to die tomorrow, Noé would want to make sure he's loved and cared for in his final moments. It means a lot to him that they can have a relationship like this. ]
I know you'd do the same for me, too.
[ Even if Noé still barely ever talks about himself. ]
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[Meaning, there isn't anyone else, really. None, even Jeanne, get to know the depths of his true emotions like Noé does. They're for him and him alone, as his partner and lover. Hence why he grasps his hands so tightly.]
As if you talk about yourself. You keep more secrets than I do.
[Prods him with a finger!!]
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[ His eyes widen in response, and he tilts his head. Does he keep more secrets? He hadn't realized. He just doesn't have much to say. ]
It's not my intention to hide anything from you. I just...don't think to talk about myself, I suppose. But if there's anything you want to know...
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[Ah, he's pouting now... Looking a touch hurt and definitely put out. Seems their moods are going all over the place tonight.]
One of these days I want to hear more about your childhood. I bet you were a cute kid.
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I...moved around a lot, as a child. After being orphaned, an elderly human couple took me in. They raised me for a while, which is why I am who I am today. They taught me how to be kind, and how to judge people by their character and not what they are.
[ Which is why he loves both vampires and humans – the opposite of Vanitas. ]
They passed from old age, and I was kidnapped by some vampires while looking for flowers for their graves, because they thought I was a human. When they learned I wasn't, they auctioned me off. That's when Teacher bought me, and I became his student. That's how I met Domi and Louis, too.
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We're alike in that regard... [Never in one place for long, it seems. Few friends due to that.] Honestly, I think it's easy to see where your compassion and understanding comes from. That love of humans.
[Though the rest of what Noé says leaves him frowning deeply.]
...do you ever stop and wonder why your teacher bought you? Whether he thinks of you one of his playthings?
[Because after Moreau, he can't help being suspicious of people's motivations. Curious about why Noé's teacher sent him to check on the Book of Vanitas in the first place. Why the man was manipulating Mikhail with promises of resurrecting Luna.]
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Playthings...? No, that's...
[ ...not true, is what he means to say, but the words don't come out. Ever since that night, when it was revealed that Teacher was the one behind Mikhail's manipulation and had set off the entire thing to begin with, without any sort of regard for Noé's safety...
It was troubling, to say the least. He can't even finish his sentence. ]
But...why me? What would he need me to be a plaything for?
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...your ability. Your Archiviste power. You can do something no one else can. You trust him completely, and would tell him anything asked, right?
[Pulling away, he turns around to face Noé, placing a gentle hand upon his cheek and unable to help looking upon him with pity. He's so innocent, so trusting, there's no way a sweet soul like him would think to stand up to his "Teacher."]
If his interest is in the Vampire of the Blue Moon, what better way than to have you drink from the source?
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Drink from the source. He'd already done it not just with Mikhail, but Vanitas now, too. Does he regret it? Absolutely not, not in Vanitas' case. But...maybe this is what Teacher was banking on all alone, that they'd get to this point where Noé would...
For a moment, he looks stunned. Then, he frowns deeply and places his hand over his partner's. ]
Your secrets are safe with me, Vanitas. I won't tell a single person about your past. Not even him.
[ For as much as he loves Teacher, he won't sell Vanitas out like that. Especially not after that night at the carnival. ]
You are my priority. Not the book, not his mission. You.
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Leaning forward, he rests his forehead against his lover's, letting his eyes close.]
....thank you. You don't know how much that means to me.
[Those reassurances are enough to keep his breathing from becoming short, though he does feel the sting of tears threatening his composure.]
Me, huh...? It's been a long time since I meant that much to anyone.
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You mean the world to me. If I have to go against Teacher's will to protect you, then I will. I'll figure out what to tell him if he asks.
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...I-I still find that to be so difficult to believe. [Being loved more than anything by someone. It used to be he wouldn't have been able to stand it. Now, though, he manages to curb his panic into mere stuttering and shivers.] Just.. don't let on what you know. For your sake, as well... Knowing puts you at risk.
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[ He's not a good liar, and it's going to be a challenge when Teacher inevitably asks him for what he knows. Now that he's aware of this being a possibility, however, one that he's actually going to entertain, he can prepare himself better for the day, should it arrive. ]
I'll keep you safe, even from someone I considered to be my family.
[ ...such isn't quite the case anymore, these days. ]
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[It's something he hates, because he feels he can never quite match up to the care and love that Noé shows him. He knows he's inadequate, emotionally stunted, and callous. Yet still he chases after his lover in the hopes of meeting him part way.]
Yourself, too, idiot. That's what I'm worried about...
[He doesn't want to see anything happen to him, after all. If that man is truly a de Sade, it's likely he has a cruel streak in him.]
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[ Does he know that for sure? No. But it's pointless to worry about it right this instant. So instead of positioning himself to argue over it, he instead looks at Vanitas intently and leans in to kiss him softly. There's a part of it that's meant to be a distraction, but for the most part, he just wants to be reassuring. ]
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[His frown morphs into a pout until the kiss reaches him, finally getting him to relax and his shoulder to sag a bit as the tension drains away. He's still fretting, of course, but it's nowhere near as bad as it was minutes ago. Noé's love is always comforting, making him feel secure in the future, however short it may be.]
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It's not your fault, Vanitas. I didn't want to believe that Teacher could be cruel, even when the signs were in front of me...even so, it's hard to digest. But I will never regret drinking your blood.
[ He holds his lover closer. There isn't much he can do to get Vanitas to stop blaming himself, but my god is he going to try anyway. ]
It brought us closer. Why should I regret that?
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You... don't? Truly? That's-- [Foolishness. Idiocy. Stubborn kindness. Yet he can't bring himself to say any of it.] ...I see...
[Despite everything, he can't help reveling in the contact with Noé, grateful for everything, even his stubborn pushing. It takes that much to deal with him, he knows.]
I suppose that is true. I don't regret it, either. I wouldn't change a thing.
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